I have some issues with organized religion.
“Some issues” might not be the right phrasing either.
I have always had a problem with being forced to wake up early on the only day I get to sleep in, dress prissy and go to church with my mother. She was going through a phase and thought that maybe joining a church was the answer. Unlike her new frame of mind, her children were not as reluctant.
We fought constantly with me not wanting to go. I didn’t like the fact that I didn’t want to but had to pretend that I am like everyone else in that church.
I can sing along. But why?
I can throw money into the concession bin. But why?
I can greet and praise God loud enough for everyone to hear me. To cheer me on. But it won’t be for the right reasons.

No. I don’t believe in organized religion and it took me quite a while to admit that to myself. But after being abused by my boyfriend (which is another story all on its own)… And then being forced to go to church with him because his father would kick him out otherwise, that kind of pushed the truth out of me.

This life, its not for me. I believe in God but I don’t need to get confirmed.
I can thank him for what he has given him, but I dont have to give my money to the church.
I can be a good person by giving to others and doing things that they genuinely need to do for them, but I don’t need to shout his name in order for everyone to know I am a good person.

I would like the facade to fall and maybe someday it will. A higher power seems real but I honestly think the bible was just a good book taken way too far.


Culture shock

There is a short piece of the novel I am writing.
Okay, that’s a lie. I am not writing it. I was, once, but I gave up half way through. I’m more of a spontaneous writer which means if I am not feeling it, nothing happens.

Despite that, I get some good piece out of every half story I write.

We sat together in silence. I went through scenarios of how I could get out of spending time with her. She was my brother’s girlfriend. Why would I need to bond?
She switched the channel to some reality show. Her face lit up as woman paraded themselves with their husband’s money and dressed half naked in fashion shoots that they called ‘art’.
“Why do you watch these things?” I snorted while taking a handful of chips. “They give women a bad name. All they do is exploit themselves.”
She didn’t even flinch. It couldn’t be the first time someone has told her that. I had a strong opinion on the way women presented themselves. And Like attracts like.
We continued watching the show but I quickly moved my interest onto her. She smirked whenever someone said something about money and power on the show. It was quite interesting to watch.
“Money isn’t everything.” I blurt out without thinking. My face immediately embarrassed at telling her that. My brother had already warned me about what I shouldn’t speak about.

She turned herself towards me and her golden complexion had dried out. She looked annoyed more than tired. “Money is everything ….when you have none.”

And she turned back towards the show.

Head out of the books

Once I start thinking about the person I am now in comparison to who I used to be, I figure there might not be a big change.

I do still immerse myself into my own world and read all day. I do still get social anxiety when in a new environment. I do still want life to stand still instead of move forward.

That is how I was and still am.
I trap myself in a bubble that doesn’t involve other people.. I don’t really want people around as much because I feel as though they do not understand. I get really emotional and some people get annoyed by that. I want people on my side at all times. I suppose this could be considered a princess complex.

However, I have  grown a lot in a short period of time. Just last year , I was studying and reading and considering my life to be a dead end and the only way out is to get my degree. I had no experience with work and my boyfriend was my savior more times than I’d like to admit.
Yet being forced out of that life has made me conscious of reality and life outside of what I had known. I had to go on a job search and especially being as persistent as I am, I got one quite quickly. It was a part time position but it was something. I would say that life outside of my education was all I thought it would be. I got fat. I made debt. I partied a lot. I literally feel as though I have wasted a year of my life.

But have I really? I have experience now. I have a sense of what money actually means and how quick it can be gone. I have tastes another choice.

I have grown.
And honestly, I would never have done this if I had not been forced to pull my head out of the books.