Mother dearest

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt my mother had passed, all alone, and I had seen her lying there lifeless and no longer in pain. I cried out in anger and I cursed the gods for their decision. This was my mother! How could they!?

Now I know about how some people believe dreams are messages about how death is actually rebirth and all that bullshit, but I prefer knowing that ones subconscious opens up hidden doors within our minds when we’re asleep. Fears you never thought you had. Or maybe you knew it,  but accepting it would be as painful as going through it. Its possible. 
But seeing an image of your mother lifeless is another step towards accepting the fact that your mother means more to you than you realize. Or are willing to admit.
My mother steps on glass every day for me. She puts up with vile insults, disapproving looks. She tells me about how she feels unwanted. About how she feels like a failure.
It breaks my heart.
As a woman, one is obliged to be the following roles : Protector. Provider. Comforter. Punching bag. Cook. Maid. Slave.
We take hits on an every day basis. I feel my mother has been through enough of these proposed stereotypes and has accepted she just cannot fit into those boxes. She’s unconventional. I get that. She’s liberal. I get that. People don’t understand why she does this and I get that more than anyone.

I have heard people question her ways of raising us but I’m pretty sure I turned out better than most. She raised me to be myself. She raised me to be strong. I am equipped to provide for my family with a minimum amount  of resources. I am smart. she raised me to believe what I wanted to. She never forced anything onto me. Not religion. Not stereotypes. Not opinions.
I praise her for that.

I can look back at myself one day and see that I am who I am because this is who I chose to be. No one has pushed me into anything I didn’t want to do. And I have my mother to thank for that.

She might not be conventional. She might not be married. She might not be the best cook. She might be going bankrupt putting me through school. She might not be very helpful. But she’s taught me and my brother to follow our own routes with one thing on our minds: provide and protect.

And I will be trying to do that for her until the day I see her lifeless and no longer in pain.


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