There is nothing significant about this post. Except perhaps the pain.
I have been struggling with every day duties that should have been in the handbook of life, had we been given one. Things like taking public transport or moving on… letting go…
Quite ironically, the sorts of things I cower from seem to come into my life more often. Constantly having to face my fears has left me praising my strength but not actually moving past them. I still cower. I still fear.
I fear that everything I am used to will change in front of my eyes when I’m not ready for it to move. I fear that I will have to let go of people…pets… The things that mean the most to me. I fear not being able to handle the pain that comes with loss. The reality that comes with death.
I fear the way I will handle not being okay. We all have this ideal future but what if it’s not like we planned? It never is, I suppose. But still. It scares me not to know what it means to go forward.
My fear stems from bad experiences and anxiety. I know this because I’m more self aware than most would imagine. It doesn’t mean i can take it away. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to jump off the bridge of fear into the vast abyss. What I got for it was…satisfactory. not enough to make me change my mind about change. It will scare me until I am confident my life will turn out the way I assume.
Aren’t we all, though? In a way really afraid of life as we picture it to differ.
I suppose we are. We have to be. We are just human in a world where the mind l works too fast for us to comprehend and emotion takes control of our actions. Our futures change. We are control but we can’t even understand ourselves. How are we supposed to be perfectly in line with our vision if we can barely get our thoughts in order.
We are all just fucking drowning.